viernes, julio 13, 2007

Confirmado: Soy humana.



Siempre me gustó la literatura surrealista. Hoy ha llegado a mis manos un documento impresionante y no poco inquietante: el informe de la revisión médica anual del trabajo. Se confirman mis sospechas: lamentablemente soy una persona normal. Una de tantos. Como no me esfuerce un poquito más nunca podré aspirar a una pensión vitalicia por inutilidad/invalidez - que es una de las metas de mi vida.

De todos modos el informe es fascinante. Hay algunas cosas que no me han quedado muy claras. Si alguien puede echarme una mano para descifrarlo le estaré eternamente agradecida. Veamos:


INFORME DE EXPLORACIÓN
En la exploración física encontramos una mujer con una tensión arterial de 118 / 67 mmHg., con un pulso rítmico de 74 l.p.m. (¿el pulso puede no ser rítmico?)

La trabajadora presenta desarrollo muscular normal y buena coloración de piel y mucosas. (espero no tener la piel del mismo color que las mucosas).

EXPLORACIÓN DE CABEZA Y CUELLO
En la exploración ocular se observa una inspección ocular normal y en la exploración de la cavidad oral se aprecia la dentadura completa, (si fuera un caballo, sería carísima) dentadura con obturaciones fijas y orofaringe normal. (¡Tengo la faringe de oro!)

En la exploración del cuello se observa una palpación tiroidea sin hallazgos patológicos, movilidad cervical normal, sin que se aprecien contracturas musculares.

En la exploración del oído se aprecia aumento de cerumen O.I., aumento de cerumen O.D. (que alguien me explique esto, por favor)

EXPLORACIÓN DEL TÓRAX
A la inspección encontramos una configuración normal y simétrica de las estructuras óseas, con movimientos respiratorios libres y regulares ("respira libre", me decían en la época neohippie). No se observa tiraje ni cornaje respiratorio, ni circulación venosa superficial colateral y a la auscultación cardiaca apreciamos tonos cardiacos puros, (Tengo un corazón puro, eso lo sabe todo el mundo.) en todos los focos que se encuentran en su posición normal. No se recogen soplos, (y soy muy discreta) extratonos ni otros ruidos anormales.

La auscultación pulmonar es normal con el murmullo vesicular conservado en ambos hemotórax y no se perciben ruidos anormales. (¿Y por qué oigo voces?)

EXPLORACIÓN DEL ABDOMEN
En la exploración del abdomen se aprecia un abdomen blando, depresible, no doloroso a la palpación y sin masas ni visceromegalias palpables (de esto último, no sé por qué, me alegro mucho), un abdomen globuloso, timpanismo abdominal. (¿Tengo el tímpano en el abdomen? cielos, esto explica la sordera.)

EXPLORACIÓN DEL APARATO LOCOMOTOR
En la exploración de miembros superiores se observa que no muestran deformidades ni signos articulares anormales.

En la exploración de miembros inferiores se observa que no existen signos de insuficiencia venosa periférica, que no existen deformidades ni signos articulares anormales.

En la exploración de la espalda se aprecian que no existen deformidades francas ni limitación de la movilidad. No se aprecian contracturas ni puntos dolorosos, molestias lumbares.

(No soy deforme. De esto también me congratulo.)

EXPLORACIÓN DERMATOLÓGICA
Normal (hidratante por la mañana y por la noche).

EXPLORACIÓN DEL SISTEMA NERVIOSO
En la exploración general del sistema nervioso se observa marcha normal (afortunadamente no me exploraron tras una marcha anormal), fuerza y sensibilidad conservadas, pruebas de equilibrio y coordinación normales.

OTRAS EXPLORACIONES
Análisis de sangre: Resultados compatibles con la normalidad (nota: hice trampa, se me olvidó no desayunar antes del análisis. Por ESO salió normal)

Análisis de orina: Resultados dentro de los márgenes de la normalidad

Electrocardiograma: Sin alteraciones significativas

JUICIO CLÍNICO:
El reconocimiento realizado pone de manifiesto que no existe patología demostrable (esa es la palabra clave: demostrable) en este momento y que su estilo de vida es saludable.

GRADO DE APTITUD:
Apta para realizar su trabajo habitual de administración. ´
¿Prueba superada? La verdad es que verse a una misma cual rata de laboratorio, analizada al dedillo, tiene su morbo.

100 comentarios:

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Sta. Aníbilis, me alegro que ponga usted su estado médico ya que yo solo me enamoro de personas sanas y sin problemas de salud.

Dicho lo cual y dado mi oficio trataré de resoverle sus dudas.

1) Pos claro que el corazón puede ser "arítmico" y puede llegar a ser tanto tanto que uno va y se muere, ¡qué cosas eh!. Además tiene una tensión mu buena. Usted no tendrá problemas cuando dé su corazón a alguien, esta pa comerselo.
2)Pues si, son de color muy parecido, por eso se dice "píel y mucosas" cuando son blancas está anémica, cuando son rosas, está como una idem.
3)Es usted incorregible, no, no es que tenga la faringe de oro es que la parte de la faringe más alta, más cerca de la boca se llama "oro".
4)Vamos, vamos! aumento de cerumen, ¡por eso está sorda como una tápia!
quiere decir que tiene "cera" en el oído y tapona el conducto auditivo evitando la buena vibración del tímpano( que es una membrana que separa el oído externo del medio)y por lo tanto le produce sordera. Nada, eso se quita en el ambulatorio en la sección de "otorrinolaringología"
5) "movimientos respiratorios libres" que no hay nada que impida el movimiento del diafragma.
"tonos cardiacos puros" que no hay desdoblamiento del tono.
"No se recogen soplos" no es !"recoger" es apreciar u oír, significa que no tiene problemas en las válvulas cardiacas.
"La auscultación pulmonar es normal con el murmullo vesicular conservado en ambos hemotórax y no se perciben ruidos anormales" oye voces porque la patología la tiene usted en el "coco" y no en el pecho.
6)"visceromegalias" aumento de los órganos internos (órganos no se refiere a esos pianos de las iglesias, que quede claro).
"timpanismo abdominal" se refiere a un sonido "húeco" que es lo normal, sonido timpánico.
7)"se observa marcha normal" si fuese anormal; ¡malo! ¡malo! lesiones en el cerebelo o núcleos de la base del cráneo.
8)"Análisis de sangre: Resultados compatibles con la normalidad (nota: hice trampa, se me olvidó no desayunar antes del análisis. Por ESO salió normal)" pos no sé qué decirle Sta. Aníbilis, lo único anormal que hubiese salido en el análisis hubiera sido la glucosa y quizá el colesterol, el resto daba igual con o sin desayuno.
9)"no existe patología demostrable" tiene razón Sta. cierto que esa palabra es la clave de muchas cosas. Porque así los médicos se cubren las espaldas si se da el caso de que usted tenga algo que la impida trabajar, como no se ha demostrado no hay culpa. ¿lo entiende?
10)"Apta para realizar su trabajo habitual de administración. ´¿Prueba superada?" en fin qué decirle, esto que nos enseña Sta. Aníbilis no da la medida de su salud en un grado aceptable. Aunque si se cubre el expediente.
En cualquier caso está usted muy buenorra, asinqué para mi la prueba ha sido superada.

Y ahora pasesé por recepción que la Sta. le dira los honorarios o "dolorosa" por haberla explicado todo esto o se creía que iba a salirle "gratis total" pos no. "Vaya pasando detrás del biombo y desnudese"

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Hace una década decidí no volver a realizar el reconocimiento anual. Total, siempre me decían lo mismo: deje de fumar.

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timpanismo abdominal. (¿Tengo el tímpano en el abdomen? cielos, esto explica la sordera.)


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Ay Dios mío, yo no había leído esto pero he disfrutado conociéndote mejor xD

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